The Great Tang's King of Provisions

Chapter 33: What a Lousy Emperor

As if sensing Li Shimin and the others’ astonishment, Li Xuanba wrapped his arm around Li Yuan and cursed, “Those two have it good—after they died, they went straight to the Immortal Realm to eat, drink, and be merry, wandering around at their leisure. Unlike me, who actually has to come down to this world to suffer. It’s utterly unjust!” Hearing the nonsense Li Xuanba had concocted, the anger on Li Yuan’s face vanished instantly, and he stared at Li Xuanba in astonishment. “They’ve entered the Immortal Realm?” “Of course! Our ancestral forefather holds a very high status in the Immortal Realm; his descendants are bound to enter the Immortal Realm upon death! Besides…” “Rumble! Crack! Rumble!” Just as Li Xuanba was running out of ideas for his story, the sky suddenly echoed with the rumble of thunder once more. Hearing the rumbling thunder, Li Xuanba’s eyes lit up. He clapped his large hand over his mouth and muttered under his breath, “Dad, don’t pry into matters of the Immortal Realm. If you make me reveal heavenly secrets and prolong my suffering in this lower realm, I won’t let you live in peace either.” “All right! I won’t say a word,” Li Xuanba said. Hearing this, Li Yuan was also startled by the thunder outside. Although his eldest and fourth sons were dead, it was for the best that they had gone to the Immortal Realm—it was for the best! Seeing that trace of anger vanish from Li Yuan’s face, Li Xuanba grinned and wrapped his arm around Li Yuan, speaking in a rather familiar tone: ““Dad, that’s more like it! History is written by the victors. Since my eldest and fourth brothers were defeated, it’s fine to honor their memory, but let’s not be too hard on my second brother. Besides, even if he made mistakes, he also had his merits. We’ll call it even—let’s say he neither erred nor merited anything.” “History is written by the victors?” Hearing Li Xuanba’s somewhat philosophical remark, Li Yuan repeated it, his eyes fixed absently on his second son outside, who wore a complex expression. Shi Min must be that victor, after all! “Besides, Father, you may not be entirely blameless in this matter! Having sired two such outstanding sons—that, in itself, is a bit of a mistake!” Seeing that Li Yuan seemed to be taking it to heart, Li Xuanba added another remark, which actually made Li Yuan laugh. Indeed! His only mistake was that both of his sons were simply too outstanding! “Da De, have you never thought about becoming emperor?” After consoling himself, Li Yuan looked at Li Xuanba, whose face wore a mischievous expression, and asked tentatively, his face full of anxiety. This question wasn’t just for his own sake—it was also for his second son waiting outside. If Shimin were to harbor murderous intentions toward Da De again, Li Yuan would do whatever it took to protect him, even if it meant sacrificing his own old life. “Emperor? Why on earth would I want to be that lousy emperor?” Li Yuan’s heart raced with anxiety, but to his surprise, Li Xuanba’s off-the-cuff remark—spoken without a moment’s hesitation—left her, Li Shimin, and the others utterly stunned on the spot! A lousy emperor? Hearing the adjective Li Xuanba had deliberately added to the title of “Emperor,” Li Yuan, Li Shimin, and the others all rolled their eyes in unison. Even with Li Yuan’s current composure, he couldn’t help but grumble inwardly: If the emperor were truly “worthless,” why would so many people scheme and plot day in and day out for that single position—even resorting to armed conflict in the end, plunging the realm into chaos and causing untold suffering? “What? Am I wrong?” Seeing Li Yuan’s speechless expression, Li Xuanba curled his lip in disdain. Counting on his fingers, he sneered, “Once you become emperor, you have to get up before dawn every day to handle the day’s affairs.” “Every night, you have to review memorials and don’t get to sleep until midnight.” “If you eat too much, you’re called wasteful; if you use too many fine things, you’re called extravagant.” “If the emperor does a good job, the ministers merely say, ‘That’s only right.’ But if he makes even the slightest mistake, he’ll be criticized by the ministers and reviled by the people of the realm!” Having said this, Li Xuanba patted the cold dragon throne beneath him and remarked disdainfully, “Is this the kind of work an emperor should be doing? If being emperor is this exhausting, why on earth would I want to be one?” “Ahem…” Hearing Li Xuanba’s words, Li Yuan cleared his throat awkwardly twice. The emperor did indeed seem exhausted, but he himself had fought for this throne for many years—why hadn’t he felt this way back then? “Well then, Da De, what kind of life do you aspire to?” Once the awkwardness had passed, Li Yuan quickly changed the subject, afraid that Li Xuanba might bring up that embarrassing topic again. At Li Yuan’s question, Li Shimin wiped the sweat from his forehead outside the door; if his father kept asking like this, he might end up blushing himself! After all, he, too, had committed many wrongdoings in his pursuit of the throne. Li Xuanba raised an eyebrow and said with a smug air, “An mu of land, two oxen, a wife, children, and a warm brick bed.” Huh? Hearing Li Xuanba quote such a folk saying, Li Yuan stared at him in astonishment. His third son didn’t want to be emperor—did he want to become a farmer instead? Wasn’t he a divine being who had descended to earth? “Oh, ahem… What I meant was: a thousand qing of fertile fields, pens full of livestock, ten thousand grand mansions, a harem of wives and concubines, and children and grandchildren playing at my feet.” Pfft! Hearing Li Xuanba’s second explanation, Li Shimin and the others all rolled their eyes in contempt! How was this explanation any different from the last one? It was just one with a higher number and one with a lower number! “Shimin, did you hear that? Come in!” After muttering his inner thoughts, Li Yuan spoke in a calm tone, summoning Li Shimin—who had been eavesdropping outside the door—to come in. “Squeak!” At Li Yuan’s summons, Li Shimin gave the door a gentle push and swung open the gates of the Taiji Hall. He then cast a grateful glance at Li Xuanba—who had already risen to his feet with a mischievous grin—before bowing deeply to Li Yuan. “Your humble son, Shimin, pays his respects to His Majesty the Emperor.” “Rise! Shimin, you’ve heard what your third younger brother said, and I’ve heard it too. Of course, I still harbor a hint of reproach toward you in my heart, but I, your father, may not be entirely without fault either! Now… ah! Never mind!” Li Yuan waved his hand, looking at his son with a complex expression, then sighed as he spoke the words he had long held back. He had sired two sons who were far too exceptional, and now they were pitted against one another—he didn’t know whether this was a reward from Heaven or a punishment! “This son thanks Your Majesty for your forgiveness. From now on, I will be a good emperor,” Li Shimin said, his eyes reddening as he noticed his father’s complex gaze, his voice choked with emotion as he made his pledge. For the past few days, he had come to pay his respects to his father every day, but his father had never once allowed him into the palace, nor had he spoken a single complete sentence to him. Now, at last, his father had forgiven him. Li Yuan glanced at the grinning Li Xuanba, then looked at Li Shimin, whose eyes were red with emotion. With a faint smile, he waved his hand. “No need to wait until later. Tomorrow, you shall become emperor!” “Father, but…” Hearing Li Yuan’s decisive words, Li Shimin felt joy in his heart, yet he was also somewhat surprised and worried. Although he truly wanted to become emperor, he hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. Hadn’t Da De said that Father’s health was fine? Noticing the surprise and a hint of worry on Li Shimin’s face, Li Yuan smiled faintly, stood up, and patted Li Shimin on the shoulder. “Your father is getting old. I don’t want to be a ‘worthless emperor’ like Da De said. Sitting on this throne is too tiring—I’ll hand it over to you! Let you suffer a bit! Hahaha!” Li Yuan had long intended to pass the throne directly to Li Shimin. After all, what was the point of being a puppet emperor? Now that Li Xuanba had painted such a dismal picture of the imperial throne, how could he possibly still harbor any desire to serve as a puppet emperor?